What Would God Look Like to You?

I know it has been way too long since I posted here but I haven’t had anything to say.  I did skip church last week because I had previous commitments that church would have interfered with.  It was so nice sleeping in though.  (No sleeping in was not my previous commitment)

Since tomorrow is Easter (or today now I guess) that means that technically I am done with giving up being an Atheist for Lent.  The thing is I don’t feel like it is time for this to be over.  On one hand church is boring and it makes me mad.  I don’t have a spiritual connection with it but it feels like a sociology class and I want to ask questions and challenge the assertions/views but I can’t.  I really need some place I can do that.  I need more open talk with people about their faith and Christianity.  Being preached to is not effective for someone that doesn’t believe the way you do.  This is true for everything not just religion.

So I am sitting here on my couch.  All the kids have been in bed for over 3 hours, even my husband went to bed about 2 hours ago.  I was on Facebook and Twitter and I realize there are things I want to say but really nowhere to say them.  I want to get feedback but I don’t want the judgement that would come with it.  Maybe this is what prayer is really about?  Talking to someone and getting feedback without judgement.  But God and Jesus both have too many Facebook accounts for me to know which one is the right one to send a message to.  😉

The words I want to say are flowing so i figure this is as good of time as any to grab a laptop and make a post.  I am not so sure this is really the right place to share my feelings – only because so many of my friends are following me but honesty is the best policy right?

Here’s what I have been thinking about.  I was asked in a comment some time back (and I am feeling too lazy to look up which post specifically) What would God look like to me?   I was unsure at the time and I just said it would have to be something big.  The small and subtle might work for those just questioning their beliefs but for a non-believer to change their mind I would think it needs to be a grand gesture on God’s part.

I think that right now I can answer this.  God would provide help.  For the first time in my life I am truly worried about how things are going to work out over the next few months.  Like most of America money is tight, but for us right now it is not just tight we are downright broke.  I don’t actually care if people know that.  We have a large blended family and somethings that have been out of our control have really sent us down the river so to speak.   Like the State of Florida confiscating $3200 from our tax return on the premise that my husband was behind on child support.    He is NOT behind.  The State of Colorado knows that (they are the ones the order is through and it is taken out of his checks every two weeks) but Florida messed it up and they have now had our money for 2.5 months.  My husband calls weekly to see what is going on and as of the last conversation with them they admit the money is owed back to us not to his ex-wife but they don’t know when they will send it back.   We were counting on that money to do silly things like pay our rent and put some in savings for what will likely be a cross state move this summer.
The other thing that has hit us even harder was my ex-husband lost his job. Even though my ex is paying support for 3 kids it doesn’t quite make up for what my husband pays to his ex-wife for two so we actually really depend on that money.  This is not a case of using the child support for frivolous things like going to the movies or getting hair & nails done.  It goes towards bills.  Anyone who knows us personally knows we have Season Tickets to our local Major League Soccer team.  That and the fuel to go to the games is our only real splurge.  It is the only thing we do as a family.  It was the main thing we got for the kids for christmas.  Seriously their big gift was a keychain with a sticker in the box that said “plus 1 season ticket.”  I won’t apologize for not spending every moment of every day in our house.   So anyway we need that money and it is not coming in right now.  He is basically behind what equals our electric bill and my van payment (and remember we live in Colorado so this isn’t a $40 electric bill).  My ex is doing everything he can and he does have 2 part time jobs but since he went on vacation after he lost his job (it was already planned) he didn’t work for a month at all.  I trust that he will do what needs to happen to get caught up but until then it hurts to be here.

We are just in one of those situations where we are not living the high life. We don’t have cable.  We don’t have expensive cars, but we do have car payments.  We do have cell phones but my husband truly needs his for work and we need some sort of phone at home so I don’t consider these unnecessary luxuries items.  We are at the point I am actually thinking about going to a food bank to fill our cupboards.  I don’t want to do this.  I want this situation to resolve.  To be back at the point where we aren’t worrying about this stuff.  To not be at the point where I let my 8 year old daughter know the Easter Bunny isn’t real because we aren’t doing Easter baskets this year.  Its an unnecessary expense.

I have been working too.  I have picked up every possible substitute teaching job offered.  I have been leaving my cell number and my sub ID number with teachers in hopes that they will call me first if they need a sub.  I am working a lot.  My husband officiates soccer and has been doing that since it is in season.  It doesn’t pay a lot but it is something.  Substituting pays decently but what I am earning now I won’t get paid for until May 31st so it is not a solution for right now.

This week will be a week of putting stuff on Craigslist (need a Wii or a Beco Baby Carrier?) and seeing if we can get stuff organized enough to have a garage sale friday and saturday if the weather isn’t horrible.  This is going to be a hard task for me.  I have struggled with clinical depression in my life but have been pretty good until recently.  The idea of even going to church tomorrow makes me want to go into my bathroom and lock the door.  I am regretting telling the kids we were going because there would be an Easter egg hunt after and now I cannot back out.  I can’t get their hopes up and then dash them like that.  I won’t be that parent.

So what would God look like to me?  Right now, God would look like a solution to my problems.  A grand gesture that I cannot possibly pass off as coincidence.  I am not talking winning the lottery (especially since I only play when its at $500 million).  I am not looking for money to fall from the sky or things to magically be resolved.  I can do the work; I am just not 100% sure what it would be, but if there is a God then I am sure he knows the solution. He just needs to show it to me in a way I cannot ignore because at this point I am out of every idea except the one that keeps haunting me about telling my kids we have no place to live or explaining why we are eating crackers with ketchup for dinner.

____________
† If you happen to be my husband reading this and are uncomfortable with this being out there – you know how to reach me.  I’ll edit it or take it down.

The Holy Spirit

When I was a child I knew about God and I didn’t doubt his existence much like I didn’t doubt the existence of Santa.  My mom told me about him and Jesus and so of course it must be true because my mom would never lie to me.  As I got older, its not that I began to question the existence of God,  I just stopped caring.  I didn’t care if there was a god or not because I never saw anything in my life that seemed to be effected by him.  When I was 17 I went through what I know now to be a major depressive episode .  I needed help and I needed it bad. I am not sure where my mother was in all this (why she didn’t notice or didn’t do anything if she did notice.)   This would have been the perfect time for the Holy Spirit to guide me to God.  Such was not a time for subtle hints.  Where was this guidance?  I was not yelling out for God to help me, for Jesus to save me from myself and what was going on in my head- but why would I?  I had been apathetic to God and there hd been no one in my life to try to change that.

It is a parents job to raise their children to have the values that they deem important.  Its also important to let them make up their own mind but without any guidance then a parent is leaving it up to unknown outside forces.  So shouldn’t God have some responsibility to actually guide his children and not just sit back when they are in need and watch them fall further away from him?

HOLY SPIRIT IS… part of the triune nature of God.  He is present in the world to turn us toward Jesus Christ  and resides in the life of the Christian, providing supernatural guidance.

The above quote is from a flyer that I got at church last Sunday.

So the Holy Spirit is supposed to be a spirit that guides us to Jesus so we can be saved form eternal damnation. Where is this spirit?  Where was it when I needed it?

I have been told multiple times that all I have to do is ask God to show himself to me and he will.  What happens to people who don’t know that?  Who are never around any one that can guide them?  What about people who are never exposed to Christianity at all?  There are entire populations that do not believe in Christianity.  The Jewish people do not believe that Jesus was the first coming of Christ. Babies don’t know of anything past their immediate family.  What happens to all of these people?  Maybe babies get a free pass because they are babies.  I know that many Christian churches do not baptize until 8 because they believe a child cannot truly sin until then and therefore would get to go to heaven without accepting Jesus.  But what about all the adults?

This is where I would think that the Holy Spirit would need to be doing his job.  If the Holy Spirit’s job is to lead people to Jesus why doesn’t that happen?  I know, free will and all.  If God really does want to all of his children to end up in heaven with him then why not make a more concerted effort to show himself to people who are teetering on falling away.

The key to any belief is knowledge.  If you never told your children about any of the tenets of Christianity then they would not believe.  Children are born atheists, it is parents that teach them to believe.  So why is the Holy Spirit so quiet when he should be championing for people to believe?

Turning to God for Help

I figure that the best question to answer first is the one that is the most pertinent to recent events.  This question was posed by Abandoned Barns regarding Jack’s concussion.

“Any point during this ordeal you thought about turning to God for help?”

Simple answer.  No.

I did not turn to god for help.  I did not even think about praying or putting it out there that I needed his help.  When I prayed about the little boy who was verbally abused by the teacher I had time to think and to mull over the situation.  There was time to reflect and time to for the idea to get in my head.

This was my child, my emergency, my right now.  Even after my husband ran with my unconscious child up the stairs at the stadium I didn’t have time to think about asking god for anything?  Why? Because I am not a Christian.  God is not where I go to for help.  I don’t ask magical forces to fix my issues or my child.  I can say things like “I hope that x, y or z does or does not happen” but I am not asking a mythical figure to change the things in my life.  I am really just talking to myself knowing full well that what will happen will happen.  Somethings are just out of my control.  That does not mean they have to be in the control of someone else.  I suppose that is the big difference.  I know that some things are out of my control, and some things I can control if I would just do something.  Christians want to have God in control.

One of the comments I have received has been about the difference of living “like” a Christian versus “as” a Christian.   I cannot live as a Christian because I am not one. I do not believe.  I have been trying to live like a Christian but it does seem that “fake it til you make it” doesn’t work with belief.   I can pretend and I can do all the things that Christians do like go to church and pray and red the bible but overall that has not changed what I believe.  So when it came to a moment in my life where I was not in control of the situation at all I did not turn to God because he’s not there.

It’s been 3 weeks!

I have had multiple comments on my blog over the last 3 weeks and I think that is great.  Many of them have had questions; some I have chosen to answer right away but others I haven’t.  The ones that have been ignored have only been because I needed more space that a comment, i felt it was more appropriate to discuss in its own post or simply I didn’t have an answer at that point.

For the next few posts (days) I am going to address some of these questions.

But first I want to talk about the past few days.

I did go to church on Sunday despite still being emotionally exhausted from the previous afternoon/evening’s horrendous activities.  I took Jack with me simply because with the time change everyone else in the house was still asleep.  Church is starting a new series called “The View” which seems (so far) to just discuss the type of church they are, what their beliefs are, etc.  I have decided that I will most likely stay through this series even if is goes past Easter simply because its already invoking a lot of thought and emotion from me.

Last night I took at the kids to a pot luck dinner with one of the bible study groups I was with.  It wasn’t about church just about hanging out.  I did find it strange that there wasn’t a prayer before the meal.  I have been to birthday parties where they pray before they cut the cake so even though it didn’t bother me in the least, it was odd.

Baby Jack saw his Pediatrician yesterday and she gave him a thumbs up.  He is doing fantastic.  I really do appreciate all the nice comments for him and us.

I have been slacking on my bible reading and I can’t seem to get into any of the Christian Non-fiction books I have started.  They are dry like a text book.  I think I am going to read Revelations and find a book on Apologetics as was recommended to me.

Day 16

I’m writing this from my car. The baby is crying. I don’t know why and there’s not much that can be done while we are hurtling forward at 80mph. We, as a family, are headed to our first game of the MLS season.
I knew that posting would be nonexistent today and I meant to write a post about my friends post when she realized God was real. I imagine it is a pretty powerful story if you believe.

Instead I’ll just have to link it here and if you want to check it out you can.
Now to find a place to have my husband stop so we can figure out why my little man is infuriated.

A Request for Help – day 15

I was told that adopting a baby from another country is very “christian-like.”  I don’t know of the stats on christian adoption versus secular adoption but I am sure adopting babies happens equally in both populations.  I don’t know too much about adoption which is odd because people in my family are adopted.

The point of today’s post is simply a request for help.

My good friend Shannon and her family are adopting a baby girl from Taiwan.  This baby girl was premature at birth only weighing 2 pounds 15 ounces and has Cerebral Palsy.  Because the little girl is so young they cannot know the severity of the condition but that makes no difference to them.  They will adopt her, and love her and raise her as if she grew in Shannon’s belly just like her other two children.  That is the type of person Shannon is.  I don’t know if being a Christian has made her this way or if she is just one of those people who no matter how she was raised would have turned out wonderful.

OK, enough gushing about Shannon.  What I would like for you guys to do is click on this link and go read her blog.  Then look on the side of her blog and consider donating to her cause.  Share her cause on your Facebook.  If you live in North Carolina consider going to their Chick-Fil-A fundraiser on March 22.

None of this benefits me.  Shannon didn’t ask me to post this. I approached her when I started my blog to ask for a button to put on my sidebar and I told her I would write a post later.  Today seems like a good day later. 😀

I Didn’t Forget – day 13 & 14

Its funny how things do work out.  No this isn’t a moment where I suddenly admit I think it is all truth but one where I admit (again) that some of those guys who wrote the Bible were pretty smart and really understood the human condition.

Let’s start with my second bible study.  New group with new people.  Scary.  I ended up telling my story in the beginning- not because I decided to do that but because it was the right moment.  Kevin (who was one of the hosts) was asking me some “getting to know you” questions and asked specifically if I had just moved here.  Obviously I would have found them sooner if I had lived here for a while.  I said I was in a special situation.

OH MY GOSH “SPECIAL SITUATION”????   Seriously, what was I thinking.  I immediately realized that made me sound worse, like a mass murderer or something.  So I spilled the beans so to speak.  Everyone was great.  No one moved over so they didn’t have to sit next to the non-believer.  No one gasped.  Well no one gasped loud enough for me to hear it over my own fast beating heart.  Everything was fine and we started.  All that worry over nothing.

There was a part of the evening where there was an analogy about people coming to house-sit and you leave them a book detailing when the garbage needs to go out, when the pets should be fed, how often to water the lawn and the importance of doing these things while the owner is gone.  The people who have said they will take care of the house read the information, they study it, they highlight it, they even meet with their friends to talk about it.  But when the home owners come back the garbage is still sitting next to the house, the pets, plants and grass are all dead.  All that reading and studying meant nothing because they didn’t do anything about it.  They just forgot to do it.

My take on it is people are like this all the time with things in their life not just with their approach to Jesus.  People have things that are important to them but there are priorities and things get pushed aside, forgotten or even though they really feel it should be important it is not important enough for them to do anything.  I was faced with such a situation yesterday.

Yesterday I was substituting for the Librarian at a local elementary school.  Nothing much was going on at first because there was state testing in the morning but I had a few classes come in, then had lunch and then yard duty for 30 minutes.  Yard Duty is simple.  You stand around and make sure no one is doing anything to hurt themselves.

Or in the case of yesterday, you choke back your own tears at the completely disgusting treatment of a 4th grade boy.

*  *  *  *

Its a chilly day but the sun is shining.  I wish I had known I was going to have yard duty because I would have worn a jacket; my sweater isn’t too bad as long as I stand in the sun and the wind doesn’t blow.  The other teacher (let’s call him Teacher M) is over by the basketball hoops while I am close to the building where the kids are jumping rope.  All is fine.  Then Teacher M is yelling at a boy who is walking towards the building.  I am not sure what is going on.  Teacher M is saying things like “You want to be that way? Fine we can just do this again tomorrow.”  The boy is a thin blond headed boy with a black hoodie on.  He has light skin and later I will notice the freckles splatters across his nose and cheeks.  He’s obviously being defiant.  I think at one point the boy might have flipped the teacher off but his hands were in his sleeves so you can’t be sure.  It was just the look on his face that said that that particular hand gesture would go well with the rest of his body language.  The boy stands obediently by the wall. He is obviously angry but keeps it to himself.  Teacher M shares his attention with the kids on the playground near him and the boy standing against the wall near me.

There is a rubber bin with basketballs and jump ropes in it next to the boy.  He picks one up and is untangling it.  Teacher M yells at him to put it down; he doesn’t get to do anything but stand there.  So the boy stands.   A few minutes later the boy is messing with the jump ropes again.  I walk up to him to talk.  I explain to him that I don’t have a problem with him and he doesn’t have a problem with me, right?  He agrees. I talk to him to tell him to put the jump ripe down and to just not do anything else to get in more trouble.  I didn’t get very far when the Gym Coach is walking up telling every one to not put the jump ropes in the bin with the basketballs.  He directs the boy to take all the jump ropes out of the bin and that is exactly what the boy does.  What he was told.  I walk away.

Cue rage and fury from Teacher M.  He yells from across the playground that the boy needs to put the jump ropes down.  That he isn’t allowed to be doing anything.  The Gym Coach tells Teacher M that he was the one who asked him but Teacher M doesn’t care and says that.  I want to clarify that Teacher M just told another teacher that he didn’t care what they had to say. So it is not just that Teacher M disregards a defiant little boy he also disregards what other professionals at his place of employment think.

The little boy is obviously upset.  How was he supposed to chose which adult to listen to?  Should he have told the Gym Teacher no? How can a child know what to do here?  This is a lose/lose situation for this little boy.  He is obviously frustrated by the whole situation and punches the metal door that leads into the cafeteria.

Teacher M sees this and is yelling at the boy that he’s not very smart because that is a metal door and he isn’t hurting the door by punching it.  Teacher M walks over to the boy who is against the wall and gets into his face and laid into him like  a drill sergeant.  Teacher M was basically telling the boy that he wasn’t important and didn’t matter.  He was yelling in his face and the boy had tears streaming down his cheeks.  Teacher M never even thought to even look to see if the kid’s hand was ok but had no problem going on and on in that boys face for about 5 minutes and in front of all the other kids who were lined up right there to go in for lunch.  This is when I was choking my own tears back.  I kept looking at the boy hoping he would look at me and see that I cared for him even though I didn’t know him.

This was a blatant abuse of power by this teacher.  He was on a complete power trip.  An adult who was in a position of trust was treating this child like he was garbage and do you know what I did?

Nothing.

I am ashamed that I didn’t speak up right then and there.  That would have really shown that boy that maybe a teacher can be a nice person.  Maybe it would have been the eventual difference between that little boy liking school and hating it.  Maybe it would have made a difference in his life somehow.  But I didn’t do anything.  I felt like it wasn’t my place.  I am just a substitute; I am just a person that comes in and is only slightly more qualified then a babysitter, right?

I went on about the day as there were still 2.5 hours left.  I knew that boy wouldn’t be in the library later because I didn’t have any more fourth grade classes coming in.  If I have ever really felt like there was a time I truly prayed this was it.  Any time there is something to do with children being mistreated I hope I am wrong.  In my head, right there in a public school, I prayed that I be wrong and that boy would have any reason at all to come into the library, to walk by the computer lab, into the office, or even just bump into me at the end of the day.  If there was a God he would show me through that boy showing up in my presence again.  I felt like if I could just tell him that even though he still needed to do what the adults told him to do that I understood how frustrated and how unfair the situation at recess had been.

He never came in or walked by.  I didn’t see that boy again and I probably never will.

At the end of my day I went to my car and I sat there.  Pondering if I should just go home.  What had happened was still weighing on me heavily as it is still weighing on me almost 30 hours later.  I thought about the analogy of the home sitters and how they just forgot to act despite knowing what the right thing to do was.  I got myself out of my car and walked back into the school and asked to speak to the principal.  Of course she was busy.  I called back today and she wasn’t there so I left a message on her voicemail.  Hopefully I will get a call back tomorrow or the next week.  If not I plan to take my concerns to the district office.

I don’t think my actions are extreme or an over-reaction.  I was choking back tears seeing this boy being belittled and cut down; anyone who knows me knows this is not something I do easily.

For now the story with the boy is at a stand-still.  I don’t know how it will turn out.  I don’t think I ever will know the complete story because I am “just a substitute.”   At least I can know I did something.  Instead of just talking about how we should be treating children I actually did something even though I almost forgot.

To Be or Not to Be? Day 11

As luck would have it I start attending bible study the second to last session before they take a break until May.  As even more luck would have it the last session is this Saturday.  The same day I have plans to attend what I joke to be my actual religion – Opening Day with MLS (Major League Soccer.)

We are season ticket holders for our local team and because we live 100 miles from the stadium going to a game is an all day thing.  Even though the game is early it is not early enough to be back for Saturday’s Bible Study.

I realized this on Sunday (right after I told someone I would totally be at the next bible study.)  I was just going to skip it but it was actually on my mind all day yesterday so I returned an email welcoming me to the church that also happened to be from someone holding a bible study group.

After a few phone calls today I have all the info I need and am going to head to a different bible study group; which bring me to  a decision I need to make.

Full disclosure or not?  Do I tell everyone I am an Atheist and why I am there/what I am doing? If so, do I tell at the beginning?  The end? Or when the time seems right?

I don’t really know what to do here.  I don’t want to misrepresent myself but I have had people question why even tell anyone unless they ask?  I have been thinking about this since yesterday also and it is another reason I thought about just skipping the whole thing this week.

Hopefully I can figure it out in the next 4 hours.

My First Bible Study – day 10

One of the things I dislike most is walking into a group of people when I don’t know anyone or almost no one.  Usually this plus being late would have been more than enough for me to just come up with a good excuse as to why I ended up not going. But I went anyways.

It wasn’t a big deal.  Everyone brought food (me too!) and we ate and then went and watched the video that is part of the series the church is doing right now called “not a fan.”  Basically it was about actually following Christ and not just the “rules” that many religions seem to follow.  As former LDS it was pretty easy to sit around and talk about the rules and how they can get in the way and shift focus from what it important.  I don’t think you need to be a believer to know that.  The only thing that made this different from my online atheist groups’ discussions is there was talk about having a relationship with Jesus and everyone was serious.

I was very apprehensive about going.  Not just because of the new people but I thought I would be very out of place.  I wouldn’t have all the knowledge that everyone else had and that I just wouldn’t fit in (more so than the being a non-believer).   I didn’t know until the end but everyone already knew I am an Atheist and no one cared.  That was refreshing.  I have yet to find a person who, at least not outwardly, condemns me for being a non-believer.

I like this group of people and I liked being able to have conversations with other adults that didn’t revolve around my kids.

Free childcare was a bonus too.   🙂

You Reap What You Sow – Day 9

It has been stressful times in our house as of late.  Honestly, it has been stressful for a few years.  Our family has gone through major life changes every year since 2006 and this year will be no different.  The stress has really started to come to a head.  I think the kids are probably doing the worst simply because they are kids and do not have the life experiences to really put the changes that are upon us into perspective. What do kids do when they are stressed? They act out.  Oh how they have been acting out.

The biggest challenges have been attitudes and how the kids are treating each other. myself and my husband.  I really do believe in the idea of Karma and what goes around comes around and I was going through every cliché I know to try to help explain that if they would just be nice and stop yelling then maybe everyone else would be nice and stop yelling.  Finally I said, “You reap what you sow.”  Blank stares was the response.

I asked my 8 year old what veggie she hated the most and what fruit she liked the most. Her reply was cabbage and watermelon. I told her that sowing is when you plant something, reaping is when you harvest.  I asked what she would get if she planted cabbage and what she would get if she planted watermelon?  Would she ever get watermelon if she planted cabbage?  No. I explained that cabbage was bad behavior, bad attitude, yelling, whining and in general being a brat and watermelon was being nice to the people in the house, doing her chores to help out, using an inside voice and not being or swing mean things to people.  If you keep planting cabbage all over the house are you going to get watermelon in return? Of course not, you are going to get cabbage.  Everyone listened and everyone understood.

I knew that the phrase “you reap what you sow” was biblical in nature so I googled it.

“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.” Galatians 6:7

I read the full chapter; I had previously read half of it because it is about circumcision† but verses 1-10 really spoke to me.  My disbelief in any Gods does not mean I cannot recognize that the Bible was written by intelligent men who understood the human condition, both good and evil.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

This alone is probably the best line I have read in the Bible at this point.  Its basically saying “keep on keeping on” and that is what we are doing here in our family. We keep working toward a pleasant stress free home and I am sure that at some point we will reap a great harvest considering how long our seeds have been sown.

_____________________________________________________
† I will not discuss circumcision here because it is a hot button subject among parents BUT if you are Christian I encourage you to truly read the New Testament and what it says about circumcision before you subject your sons to this procedure.