I know it has been way too long since I posted here but I haven’t had anything to say. I did skip church last week because I had previous commitments that church would have interfered with. It was so nice sleeping in though. (No sleeping in was not my previous commitment)
Since tomorrow is Easter (or today now I guess) that means that technically I am done with giving up being an Atheist for Lent. The thing is I don’t feel like it is time for this to be over. On one hand church is boring and it makes me mad. I don’t have a spiritual connection with it but it feels like a sociology class and I want to ask questions and challenge the assertions/views but I can’t. I really need some place I can do that. I need more open talk with people about their faith and Christianity. Being preached to is not effective for someone that doesn’t believe the way you do. This is true for everything not just religion.
So I am sitting here on my couch. All the kids have been in bed for over 3 hours, even my husband went to bed about 2 hours ago. I was on Facebook and Twitter and I realize there are things I want to say but really nowhere to say them. I want to get feedback but I don’t want the judgement that would come with it. Maybe this is what prayer is really about? Talking to someone and getting feedback without judgement. But God and Jesus both have too many Facebook accounts for me to know which one is the right one to send a message to. 😉
The words I want to say are flowing so i figure this is as good of time as any to grab a laptop and make a post. I am not so sure this is really the right place to share my feelings – only because so many of my friends are following me but honesty is the best policy right?
Here’s what I have been thinking about. I was asked in a comment some time back (and I am feeling too lazy to look up which post specifically) What would God look like to me? I was unsure at the time and I just said it would have to be something big. The small and subtle might work for those just questioning their beliefs but for a non-believer to change their mind I would think it needs to be a grand gesture on God’s part.
I think that right now I can answer this. God would provide help. For the first time in my life I am truly worried about how things are going to work out over the next few months. Like most of America money is tight, but for us right now it is not just tight we are downright broke. I don’t actually care if people know that. We have a large blended family and somethings that have been out of our control have really sent us down the river so to speak. Like the State of Florida confiscating $3200 from our tax return on the premise that my husband was behind on child support. He is NOT behind. The State of Colorado knows that (they are the ones the order is through and it is taken out of his checks every two weeks) but Florida messed it up and they have now had our money for 2.5 months. My husband calls weekly to see what is going on and as of the last conversation with them they admit the money is owed back to us not to his ex-wife but they don’t know when they will send it back. We were counting on that money to do silly things like pay our rent and put some in savings for what will likely be a cross state move this summer.
The other thing that has hit us even harder was my ex-husband lost his job. Even though my ex is paying support for 3 kids it doesn’t quite make up for what my husband pays to his ex-wife for two so we actually really depend on that money. This is not a case of using the child support for frivolous things like going to the movies or getting hair & nails done. It goes towards bills. Anyone who knows us personally knows we have Season Tickets to our local Major League Soccer team. That and the fuel to go to the games is our only real splurge. It is the only thing we do as a family. It was the main thing we got for the kids for christmas. Seriously their big gift was a keychain with a sticker in the box that said “plus 1 season ticket.” I won’t apologize for not spending every moment of every day in our house. So anyway we need that money and it is not coming in right now. He is basically behind what equals our electric bill and my van payment (and remember we live in Colorado so this isn’t a $40 electric bill). My ex is doing everything he can and he does have 2 part time jobs but since he went on vacation after he lost his job (it was already planned) he didn’t work for a month at all. I trust that he will do what needs to happen to get caught up but until then it hurts to be here.
We are just in one of those situations where we are not living the high life. We don’t have cable. We don’t have expensive cars, but we do have car payments. We do have cell phones but my husband truly needs his for work and we need some sort of phone at home so I don’t consider these unnecessary luxuries items. We are at the point I am actually thinking about going to a food bank to fill our cupboards. I don’t want to do this. I want this situation to resolve. To be back at the point where we aren’t worrying about this stuff. To not be at the point where I let my 8 year old daughter know the Easter Bunny isn’t real because we aren’t doing Easter baskets this year. Its an unnecessary expense.
I have been working too. I have picked up every possible substitute teaching job offered. I have been leaving my cell number and my sub ID number with teachers in hopes that they will call me first if they need a sub. I am working a lot. My husband officiates soccer and has been doing that since it is in season. It doesn’t pay a lot but it is something. Substituting pays decently but what I am earning now I won’t get paid for until May 31st so it is not a solution for right now.
This week will be a week of putting stuff on Craigslist (need a Wii or a Beco Baby Carrier?) and seeing if we can get stuff organized enough to have a garage sale friday and saturday if the weather isn’t horrible. This is going to be a hard task for me. I have struggled with clinical depression in my life but have been pretty good until recently. The idea of even going to church tomorrow makes me want to go into my bathroom and lock the door. I am regretting telling the kids we were going because there would be an Easter egg hunt after and now I cannot back out. I can’t get their hopes up and then dash them like that. I won’t be that parent.
So what would God look like to me? Right now, God would look like a solution to my problems. A grand gesture that I cannot possibly pass off as coincidence. I am not talking winning the lottery (especially since I only play when its at $500 million). I am not looking for money to fall from the sky or things to magically be resolved. I can do the work; I am just not 100% sure what it would be, but if there is a God then I am sure he knows the solution. He just needs to show it to me in a way I cannot ignore because at this point I am out of every idea except the one that keeps haunting me about telling my kids we have no place to live or explaining why we are eating crackers with ketchup for dinner.
† If you happen to be my husband reading this and are uncomfortable with this being out there – you know how to reach me. I’ll edit it or take it down.