I really wish I could believe in God. I just can’t make myself do it. I have tried.
I have tried to feel things when there was nothing to feel, I have prayed with no results, I have asked for answers and guidance and nothing happens. This is basically what I did the entire time I was an active member of the LDS church. I spent that time lying to myself and others about my belief. If there was a God would he think that was an acceptable lie? Give me and A for effort? Would he believe in “fake it til you make it?”
I’ll admit that when given this challenge my first thought after “awesome” was “maybe there is a God and this is how he is trying to get to me.” Then I laughed at myself. I don’t actually doubt my lack of belief even though it seems that way; its just it would be really great if there was a God. Kinda like it would be really great if there really was a Santa. Then if I just started believing in Santa and wrote him a letter he would actually bring me what I wanted on Christmas morning.
When I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer in 2007 I wasn’t scared until the night before the surgery. With every major surgery one of the possible complications is death and I was understandably worried something would go wrong. I wrote letters to my kids to explain (as I hadn’t told them what was going on) and one to my new husband about how sorry I was and with directives on what to do if something bad happened the next day then I cried myself to sleep. I did not pray to a God I didn’t believe in but it would have been great to have that to fall back onto; to give me the feeling of reassurance that so many say they get from God, to believe that If I died that my children would be ok; that my husband wouldn’t be emotionally catatonic after another death-too-soon in his life.
Since I have started immersing myself in the Christian lifestyle I have been watching for signs of a creator. I have prayed that this God would show himself to me. I have been listening to Christian Radio as suggested by my best friend’s father. I don’t feel any different listening to it as when I listen to any other music I do not know the words to. I have been praying for myself; praying for things for people (not material things but more for action in their direction). I have been trying to change the way I think. Leaving the sarcasm behind that, as pointed out by one commenter, is quite prevalent in the Atheist community. I am reading some Christian non-fiction and reading the bible (I am currently on Matthew 11). I am actually trying hard to understand what I read and put real thought into it.
While I was in the shower this morning I asked for God to show himself to me if he existed (though I didn’t mean at that exact moment). It hasn’t happened yet. I sure wish I’d get a sign but I don’t believe I will.